another 9 days.

be realistic. reality is the best movers. so be honest to yourself and face the reality so it moves you. so you wont stand still at the same spot.

you cant dwell about your reality all the time. face it. work it out. if its a problem. sounds simple. but nothing is easy in this life. standing 12 hours straight everyday, i tell myself to give up everyday but bitch, you want many things in life and RM10 wont be enough to cater everything. i dont even have 10 bucks. face it Qayyum. you want things. so work it out. another 9days. an oven in a month! less fat less calorie.

berangan

hahaha. aku baru dapat this one job. start 19hb. i'll be stationed at KL Sentral. so with the gaji yang dia orang offer. aku selalu la berangan nak beli apa. yang penting bayar hutang dulu. ahaaaa. menyesal la pulak berhutang. tak banyak mana pun. tapi still lah kan. hutang. okay. mula-mula ingat nak Blackberry. tapi bila fikir balik. bukan nya aku nak sangat pun. mesti macam menyesal beli sebab aku da puas hati dengan Samsung aku sekarang. fikir punya fikir. aku nak beli OVEN! yes. OVEN. nak eja jap . O.V.E.N. Ya Allah. bestnya kalau aku dapat oven sendiri. tak payah nak share dengan mak. kesian oven dia bau ayam bagai. kalau aku dapat oven tu. brand Faber pun jadi la. for a start kan. macam orang lain beli kamera. aku beli oven. ahahaha. comel pulak aku rasa. boleh bakar macam-macam. dah la aku ada banyak benda nak bakar. nak masak. tapi tak pernah dapat buat betul-betul sebab mak tak kasi guna oven dia. nanti nak buat kuih macam mana la pulak kan. kita orang kan buat semperit so nanti semmperit mesti bau ayam bagai. kesian la. yes. OVEN. orgasma kejap aku fikir sal oven ni. memang aku senyum sorang-sorang kan bila terfikir pasal oven ni. hahahaha. macam haram eh perangai. OVEN OVEN OVEN OVEN. aminnn

preface

a preface to a new chapter in my life.

i cant get this out form my system. all i think about is you. but hey, i have a dream. where i want to move on and be happy. i dream of fine day that i will not think about you. but i know that it is impossible as you leave me an ugly scar.

so i got to find a way to shut this misery. i have to find reasons. reasons why i exist in this world. reasons to live. i am not living for you anymore. i am living for myself who i hardly know, for my family who cherish me with their love, for my ambition that keeps me going and for my dreams that keeps me dreaming of life.

so much pain you have caused. so much suffering. i dream of fine day when i can smile again as if there is no black clouds at all. just like how i used to be. jolly, happy and jumping around. feeling me, feeling fresh, feeling real and composed. knowing that i have the power against the ground that i am stepping on. breathing the fresh air that is filled with world's reality. not fantasy. knowing that i am actually breathing for my own sake. not for something that i cant touch and feel anymore as you are invisible.

you stab me everytime i try to smile, you mock me everytime i try to think and you loath me everytime i try to talk. to be happy now is like a sin.

i am done. crying for for you. you are not worth my eyes. i now will decide how i want my life to be. i have dreams and i rather be chasing things that can be reality unlike you that will leave me astray and hanging.

forever and always

forever and always. i wish i could say this phrase to u. tapi tak ada rezeki. you have your own way of seeing things. maybe the age factor gives you more exposure. unlike me yang baru nak kenal dunia and when you act like you are the best couch to land on, act je, aku misunderstood. yelah. susah nak kenal hati budi orang in a split second. semua orang kat dunia ini ada agenda sendiri sedar tak sedar. maybe it was just the phase of loneliness. i was yearning for some attention. you know what i mean. when we are in despair, all we have is ourselves. you can trust no one but your self. credits to layla for these words. nasib baik aku jumpa kau. an eye opener. aku tak sangka yang aku akan fall in that trap. sometimes i wonder why do you gave me all the signals? maybe you cant foresee what happen next kan? so you know what, i am moving on. i always told my friends that when you had your heart broken, lagi-lagi first love, move on, cari orang baru or jadi single je and know yourself better sampai kau ready and just keep that special someone in your heart as a special person. nothing more than that because what's the point of holding to something that you cant hold? tapi bila kena dekat muka sendiri memang dumbstruck. terpinga-pinga. clueless. dopey. jadi bodoh. haish. so now, im dwelling upon my words and digesting it. insya Allah aku okay. lagi pun aku dah mula meluat fikir pasal kau. hahaha. tergelak pun ada. dulu cakap "i will never hate you cus i never felt this way" tapi sekarang dah lain pulak.

enough with that shit.

ouh yeah. sekarang ni dah ada macam "ritual" bila melepak dengan sahabat-sahabat saya. ahahaha. memang macam sial. say grace. tho its not in my norm, but we make it like our friendship symbol. lagi-lagi bila berempat. like afiq, aku pun lupa jugak nak cakap apa time tu, so blogging pun cute what. ahaha. of course im thankful to God for meeting us up. for my health and everything. but thanks to Ash for being there throughout the whole time, you are indeed a friend, true friend. ada saja benda nak buat. things to spice up. make it more us. ahaha. aku kadang-kadang tak larat nak melayan kepala gila kau. tapi kalau tak layan tak best pulak. macam left out. ahaha. Zack. aku rasa dalam banyak kawan, maybe ye. maybe. kau la yang paling aku sayang. sebab bila jumpa. kalau tak gaduh, macam pelik. tapi tak pernah nak putus kawan ke apa ke. you have always been there for me. in any way pun and you know what i mean here. you are my therapy. lega bila jumpa kau especially bila kepala kusut. mesti bawak aku melalak. pastu marah-marah aku nyanyi lagu britney. cilaka. love you sis. and Afiq, aku terkejut okay yang kau ada banyak benda in common dengan aku. your birthday, your life, what you like to eat, what you like think. maybe thats why we can click instantly. you know that i am always here to be your shoulder to cry on. i will try my best to help you to be the better you but bear in mind that you can trust no one but yourself. put your guards as to not letting people come in that easy. love

adios.

frankly from my heart

x suka la gaduh gaduh ni. tapi kalau tak gaduh tak sayang. so yeah. susah kan bila sayang sangat sampai tak nak bagitau the truth that might hurt the people we love. yes. honesty is the best policy. tapi ada sebab the term white lies wujud. i know most of the time you wouldn't dare to tell it straight into my face but i can tell how exactly you're feeling. so most of the time you would be dwelling about my lifestyle that is so busuk in your eyes but same goes to me, i see the same things too. how you live your life. so i understand. but one thing for sure is that why in the world would you be mad just because you were lonely and i was having fun in my own way? you despise my way. you hate it. loath it. i rarely jumped off when you become picky, diva-ish and some other attitudes that i cant describe with words. so relax la babe. nak pulak kau ikut kitorang. mesti kau akan ajak pergi tempat lain yang aku dengan kawan-kawan aku takkan enjoy. aku penat sangat dengan perangai kau.

as much as i want u

as much as i want u, i know that it is impossible.

it is impossible when the game that we are playing is not easy.

first come look. when people say first impression is important. hell yeah it is important for us.

then the conversation comes. no matter how cool you are, you are giving me hard time to burst like a firework.

damn you are nice. the brother from the hood call bad ass like you, superrrr fine. cheers.

but in the end, it is what the skin decide. if i am blessed, if and only if.

:((((((

life is about choices

this would be my 2nd time writing an SPM essay with the same title. :D

oh yes. i am comfortable with myself now. i know what i want. when i want. who i want. its all crystal clear now. i can see myself becoming who i should be without jeopardizing who i want be. it is what Sue from the Shoes Store told me. as long as you can juggle everything, you can have what you want. as long as you stick with your principle and amend your wants, so that it suits your need. so yeah. you can have it all. writing this thing at such early age, i might not have all perspective that a 50 years old man has but one thing for sure, i know the best thing for me now.

sinful joys is indeed a sin. its a mistake. its the wrong choice, pick, selection, step, road, but in the end, it is still one of the options available. when you got stuck in everything in between, you are forced to choose. to choose the right thing. with this mind writing this post, it is inevitable for me to make mistake. dear friends, let loose and make mistake as for this age, with little knowledge, mistake is our best teacher. learn from it. not learning is stupid. i am not pious but i still have views. i know what is right and wrong.

one thing that ponders me upon mistake-teacher is that why do we keep repeating such thing? we learned from our mistake but it seems like it just doesn't stick with our heart. the glue that binds a teacher and his students would be love. not like typical the typical three words. but love. you know that love can exist in many ways. so i am saying that we have to love our mistake that we take as our lesson so that it sticks with us. no matter how many pep talks, advices, lectures or anything like it, if you do not love your lesson, you might as well tell the your friend, family or any random people that their advices are not working.

so love, i hope you will learn your lesson in your own way. to become the middle man in your life is a heartache. you get everything you want. you even got the best mistake one could have right now. i guess there is just no love between you and your lesson? i love u love but i think for now, i can't afford to bug you anymore. one thing for sure, you will hear the same old thing from me and you don't love it at all.

you can live without us. i know you can. we will let you go and pull you back in when we are ready again.